Letter to the Bride & Groom "to be"

Dear Bride and Groom "to be",

Congratulations.

I am so happy for you.

Long live your love as you plan your big day.

Please accept my best wishes as you find below a list of weird things that happen at Nigerian weddings that you might need to proactively take a decision on and agree on the way forward before the matter progresses into a mini world war II with implications far reaching even after the birth of your 3^rd child.

1. Who are the real celebrants; you (wide eyed, young couple) or ya parents (....words fail me because my mother may read this...she had a mother of the bride shower which she threw for herself on the eve of my wedding while I was alone in front of the TV....Let me not discuss the dance to the high table which was longer than the entire wedding put together minus the one she danced during "offering time" at the church)

2. If you decide that you are the real celebrants, how many people do you really want to be at this party? As in can your mum/mother in law share photocopies of your wedding IVs? Even after you have allocated 100“originals” to her? Can she go ahead to commission a bulk SMS push to people even in the village who do not know your complexion, shape or voice?

3. This High table matter! How do you want it? Or .....not want it?....And there is the matter of the life bringing Kolanuts which do not speak English by the way.

4. Who is going to be MR. Chairman? What is his real work? Do you really need one? And if you do, are you planning on listening to his speech or is the general plan to actually torture the guests with his long speech and fervent prayers which keep referring to what the priest or pastor said in church?

5. The friends in “Aso ebi” who will dance in with you; can your closest friend also allow the ones who have only deposited some cash to dance with you? What about those who are still owing and those who are well known to owe for "Aso ebi" as a calling...(whom you swore you would never enter their trap) but somehow they still managed to get the fabric?

6. Is it a DJ matter or a live band matter? Or are you using both? Whichever way you are towing? Can you ensure that all the songs can work for dancing so your uncles will not be going to the music stand frequently to scream at the top of their voices...... “give them a danceable song, a danceable song!”

7. If a live band will be at this wedding, will you hire a proper wedding band that will bill you accordingly and concentrate on celebrating your love via music or a band that for whatever reason will spend more time singing the praises of everyone else....(especially when the persons flash 1000 Naira bills or foreign currency).... in the anticipation that these persons can remember to rain some of the cash on them as well?

8. This venue decor matter....Is it to make the venue look better and more appealing to the physical eye and in pictures?..... or to totally transform the venue and create a whole new ambience?...... or is it to show people that you have arrived and can afford to display all the possible decor themes known to man in one space?

9. About the 4 to 6 tiered cakes; are you ok with the matured uncles and aunty “observers” who manage to see and predict your entire future just by watching both of you cut the cake on that day?

10. Which refreshments philosophy do you want to subscribe to for this big day? There are several; some are even designed to torture the guests especially if they are your uncles and aunties who never thought this day will come.

      Food philosophies are as follows :

a) Don’t start serving food and drinks early or else people will go early after all everybody knows that before you go for a wedding you should eat well.

b) Food and drinks do not have to reach everybody just ensure it is visible to all. Just because the rice or wine did not reach them does not mean there was no rice or wine at the party O jare!

c) Pre plan and pay for food and drinks per expected number of guests and appoint people per the various sects represented (family, work, friends etc) to guide the service guys and gals

d) Buffet! Buffet! Buffet! Minimum of 2 serving points per venue.

11. Are you going to make souvenirs/party favours/keepsakes? If yes, what kind? Plenty of the usual stuff which will end up as clutter that people feel too guilty to throw away or something different and actually useful to people long after the day?

12. When it is time for exchange of gifts after the dance, should the guests form a long American Embassy type queue with their gifts held out submissively in exchange for a royal handshake from you the scared groom (because people are wicked and they want to kill you on this day) and the blushing bride (usually confused on whether to stand or sit, courtesy or bow at this point in the event) or would you prefer a well coordinated gift stand and enough souvenirs to be shared to all...whether they bring gifts or not?

13. This Dance! Dance! Dance! matter and the concomitant spraying. Do you have a target amount you want to dance for or are we working with a time frame? This will determine the number and size of polythene bags, plastic buckets or sacks that all your single, pretty, female relatives and friends will use to grudgingly squat to pack the money with as they adjust their strapless shinning dresses and squirm in their matching stilettos and long weaves.

Finally are you planning to spend all that money on everything else and then get a tacky, native soup - meat tearing finger licking during the event, dry and over told jokes about poverty cracking, worrisome looking, less than competent MC

 Or

Are you going to call a

Classy. Hilarious. Innovative. Gorgeous.Original

Compere in the "persona grata" of moi on 08022228091 to tie it all up nicely for you...hijacked day by your parents or NOT!?