Pushes and Urges vs 2...Hours Later (see vs 1 below)

…..Apparently, it was a stubborn vegetable in the herbal tea because after two hours of my shameful escapade in the center of the office alas the urge began to push me again. I will not be defeated this time so I wait and I closely monitor the lavatory in the meeting room near the entrance…why this one? Yes! Because it is hidden inside another room which is empty and therefore nobody will hear and nobody will see me come out from there when I am through.

 Oh I am sharp! I am so sharp! Indeed I am too sharp. So I wait…nobody left, nobody right that’s it. Oh here’s a copy of today’s paper…ATIKU rejected by INEC! Perfect! Perfect! Perfect companion for the moment….Ah yes! This is the life. Click! The door is shut; the moment is right …that’s my girl. Yes! Touch down…

 Ah! Ha!  But who are those….. What? ….No it is not possible! This can’t be happening! Oh God! I am trying here …..Who did I offend? What is my crime? An oyibo man is coming into the meeting room…..wait a minute… 2,3,4,5…this is not happening .JESUS CHRIST! It is those people from Amsterdam…

They want to have a meeting…what’s that? My HOD! Oh my God …quick, a window? another door? Nothing! Absolutely nothing! Bad Market! Bad market! This is not …that’s it… gently, gently, gently, OH God No! You know what switch on the tap, switch on the shower and switch on the hand dryer again…I’m finished I will never ever do this to myself again. Seriously! I am going on drugs full time Flagyl, tetracycline, talazo and whatever else I can afford. …I have a big bag I can make room.

It’s over…silence! To come out or not to come out? Can I stand the shame, the headlines, and the disgrace? Ok yes the newspaper… ah yes! The news paper by the time I read every dot they will be through with their meeting. They will not know who was in here. Knock! Knock! You are wasting your time….”please continue with your meeting I will soon be out”.

….Cartoon section… back page, I never knew sports was this interesting. What’s that? They are still here Damn it! This is not happening to me! Lagos big girl! No I am not going out like that.
Is that my phone ringing in the distance? Its twelve o clock and this chic owing me money said she will be here by twelve. Oh my grandmother I call upon you again with help me out….. …that’s it tiger, courage, courage, courage!

Square those shoulders girl; head held high, steady on, everybody does it….. It could be anyone…even … …oh what the heck I’m coming out and I’m coming out in style.

I open the door, silence. All eyes…newspaper safely tucked under my arm I muster all the dignity in Nigeria and indeed west Africa and I speak…. “Good afternoon all”

…Alas I have to maneuver the seats….. As if I don’t have enough problems… “Excuse me, excuse me excuse me”. My HOD glares at me…that is his problem, this is not a performance issue and if he brings that leg I will tell him I am entitled to one hour break and I can spend it wherever I want; cafeteria, shopping or  just hanging out with Atiku in a good hidden toilet.

 It’s over Editor, no more herbal tea for me I am sticking to low carbs, exercise and all those other healthy stuff. Wait a minute is that Amala and Egusi soup? Oh they even have fried chicken today. Very good! I am here for you baby, bring it on! Hmm…. fried plantains…. not a bad idea for dessert… ok here we go…I REBUKE YOU SATAN! If they sent you tell them you did not see me... please cafeteria boy give me half a portion of steamed rice with boiled fish …no soft drink as usual, just give me water !Thank you... Good day! Where is my seat? Peace at last.