So Let's Talk Charges.....

Hallo Chigo please I am having an XYZ  event and I would love for you to be the Compere please how do you charge?
Let me not lie to you my friends, I am afraid of this question because the variables that lead to my charges differ from event to event.
Variables such as location, capacity, duration, nature of event etc  
It can be challenging sometimes plus I hate haggling.
I had to go for a negotiation skills training twice and people still maltreat me sometimes Lol!
Anyway I was inspired about 2 years ago to draw up a rate card and I would like to share the rate card here. Take the hint peeps...

 PLATINUM Service

Arrival from a minimum of  60 Mins early in a freshly waxed and fully air-conditioned  SUV or 4 WD automobile…. will fly in on a helicopter if necessary.

For appearance, I will be dressed to the nines with glorious  foreign locks of freshly harvested human hair, exotic coloured contact lenses, airbrushed nails, designer pumps with stiletto heels, vintage jewellery, absent facial hair, flawless make up, extra long lashes (with subtle glitter if night time event), unwanted adipose tissues and stretch marks  nipped and tucked away scientifically …Hot! Hot! Hot!
Diction and Grammar would be Flawless! British International standards, disposition would be
charming, vibrant, eager to delight audience, eager to serve the world taking ownership of event and steering it to awesome heights of entertainment

SILVER Service
Arrival at least 30 Minutes early in air-conditioned, well maintained automobile dressed in formal high fashion; treated human hair, heels, costume jewels, flawless make up, no facial hair, subtle elegance…. Hot! .....Speaking clear English ,....International standards with appropriate use of verbs, tenses, adjectives, pronouns and Nouns  still cheerful, and  vibrant taking ownership serving with colour , verve and vigour.

 TIN Service

Arrival at least 10 Minutes early in well maintained automobile (might be naturally aired yellow cab- Pre Fashola intervention specie) ....fashionably neat and decent attire, fresh synthetic weave, braids or corn rows.
Facial hair may be present but not visible to you, fresh make up (daily touch standards)…Fine girl no pimples! Speaking good English as acceptable to the average elite Nigerian Audience....cheerful, vibrant and   motivated.....Present and willing to help event succeed

ALUMINIUM service

I will be punctual! Be rest assured you will not look for me too long ,I will be there on time.
Yes I’d be clothed (I can’t come to an event naked now can I?)
Grammar may sometimes break into bad pidgin while tenses, pronouns etc may get mixed up along the way however will be  audible  and decipherable to the average Nigerian man out there. Disposition will be generally optimistic.....happy...religious... positive.... All will be well......One day God will do it kind of thing and creativity will be centred around life issues such as what the government can do to help the society and why good husbands are scarce etc

 IRON ORE service
Might send someone with facial and chest hair if something else comes up like “keeping up with the khardasians” , Edge of Paradise or Tinsel  reruns . My grammar will be periodically punctuated with extreme exclamations and outbursts in Igbo or Yoruba..... Will sha perform but my disposition will be sharp! Might look like anger and vexation of spirit to you but it’s really a drive for results....don’t look at it like that.

 Take a hint peeps school fees don cost and PDoc needs a helpmeet so he will live long for me.